Forbidden

Many years ago I stood at a crossroad and made a choice between two partners. One represented raw passion, ego trips and little else, the other stood for security, partnership, companionship, family and a much smaller measure of passion.

I said goodbye to the sex bomb, and it's a good thing that I don't have his number anymore.

The temptation to run to him when things at home are sour is often overwhelming. And that's weird because there is no evidence that life with him would have been sweeter...

Maybe it's the not knowing that makes it seem all the more real.
All the more tempting... more delicious...

Or maybe it's the simple and undeniable fact that he ALWAYS made me feel wanted.

I knew without a doubt that I was wanted; and that someone found me desirable.

What confidence that imparts; what strength it provides: the courage to drag oneself up and run that comb through one's hair one more time or to add that last touch of gloss before stepping through the door: because u never know who's watching, whose fantasy u might be feeding. To know that you are HOTT.

Even when ur beat down and broken inside u live inside his mind as a goddess:

beautiful,

untouchable

and timeless

forever.

I do not consider myself needy, or defined by the opinions of others - however, the self-affirmation attached to such simple sentences as :

"Honey, you look wonderful tonight" or

"Baby, I can't keep my hands off you" or

"Did you notice everyone's eyes were on you?"

can be so edifying... so richly empowering that the absence of such over an extended period of time can start to sow doubts and make one feel dowdy, frumpy or invisible.

I hurt so much.
Yet solace is nowhere to be found.

I made my choice so I will stay true to my promise

no matter how bitter the pill.