Bed Bugs

Man, it's s true - you never miss something until you no longer have it! I long to be able to walk without pain... to run again, to be able to dance, play with my kid, just do normal stuff again!

I have been bed bound for almost 7 weeks now... which has translated to me being housebound - because really one has to get out of bed every now and then for biological and hygiene functions no?

I woke up one morning in excruciating pain.. I was in AGONY. I am telling you - it took me 29 hours to push my cub into this world and this hurt MORE than that did!

I tried the out of hours GP service, they recommended I wait 2 hours til my Docter's Surgery opened at 08:30 (lazy sods). So I waited and waited - couldn't get an 'emergency' appointment until just after midday - how is it that these people were faster on the dial than I was? Anyway - I hated my surgery for that - they won't give you appointments in advance, you have to call on the day you think you need to see the doctor... and then, well you're in the telephone lottery as to whether your call gets through between 08:30 and 09:00.. if not - well try again tomorrow! Anyway I am digressing...

So I take a taxi to the doc's and he examines me, looks appalled and sends me straight to A&E (ER) at the local hospital.. gout? fracture? trapped nerve? He doesn't know... and neither did they really - all they could say is:

"You have metatarsalgia, stay in bed for the next 10 days and take these super strong pain killers and these anti-inflammatory drugs.. be warned, they'll make you drowsy..."

Now, if you google metarsalgia - you'll realise it's not a diagnosis, more like someone just stating the obvious: 'hey, your foot hurts right there'. Which I already knew, remember I went to them? So, I told my GP and he signed me off work for 2 weeks. Two weeks in bed on drugs. And so the saga began.

At first the office was supportive, then they became demanding, then HR stepped in and they became supportive again.. now they are just annoying me and I have downed tools.

I think my mistake was in trying to be helpful: I knew we had deadlines and our project was high profile... and I knew my milestones were key to the overall delivery... my injury couldn't have happened at a worse time. I felt I had so much riding on this - career wise... I mean this was my big break - how could I afford to be sick now? So.... I made my second mistake (the first was going to the National Health Service for treatment): I offered to work from home while I was signed off as my brain still worked even if I couldnt move.

They, of course, thought it was raining diamonds... so there I was, and here I have been for the past 2 months, propped up in bed with my laptop ... logging on to the company network, drafting reports, completing documents, hosting conference calls and pretty much being a right yuppie... except, it wasn't so much an inflated ego - as a sense of obligation. I knew noone else could cover for me (we were understaffed as it was) and I knew that at the end of the day, if my deliverables didn't get met - noone would take the blame but me (who cares if youre sick!)

I hate the NHS. And today I hate my job too... they've gotten so caught up in me getting the job done (which to date I have and quite effectively too - there was a whole bunch of praise emailed around for some coup de grace I pulled off) -- they've forgotten that I am NOT WELL! I can't work 12 hour days, I get cranky and tired because I am in PAIN and on drugs which alter my disposition...

I feel let down. I feel let down by these big shots I work for... but then why I expect sympathy or understanding from Mr Corporate Giant - I have no idea.... after all, I spent years campaigning against unchecked capitalism and the associated underdevelopment and exploitation. The corporation is the epitome of callousness... it doesn't care or feel.. it just wants to meet its objective, its raison d'etre which is simply to make profit. It doesnt care if I die in the process...

So anyway, I feel let down by the NHS (God only knows why I expected better treatment from them either - they aint got no money and are only interested in keeping their stats low - which means getting patients in and out the door as fast as possible, case closed... regardless of whether the patient is healed or not.

8 weeks I've been in pain... and all I've been given is a pair of crutches (which I had to BEG for after I asked them how the hell I was gonna get to the bathroom since I couldn't walk) and a repeat prescription for heavy duty painkillers. Nice... that's really gonna fix me up innit?

I finally paid my own money and saw a podiatrist - he said they needed to determine the underlying cause of my pain (no kidding!) - it wasn't until he wrote them a letter that my GP decided to refer me to a specialist... and then - even though i told them I had private medical insurance - they insisted on referring me to an NHS Consultant.. here we go again!

After 6 weeks of pain - I went to see Dr Incompetent.. sorry, he didnt even have an MD, he was Mr Incompetent. They took x-rays, couldnt find anything, examined the wrong foot, told me I had plantar fasciitis, advised me to do stretching exercises and sent me home. I was furious!

Metarsalgia (which 4 doctors agreed I have) - is pain in the ball of the foot, more specifically my pain was located between the 3rd and 4th toes... google that and what you get is 'suspected morton's neuroma' which means you got a trapped nerve in the top of your foot. He was meant to check up on that...

Plantar Fasciitis - that means pain in the HEEL of your foot. Anyone see anything strange here? How am I gonna do heel stretching exercises (involving standing with one's foot pressed against the ground) when I cannot walk? I can't bear weight on my right foot? Hello? Anybody home?

At this point, HR decided to check up on me and insisted I use my private medical cover to get a second opinion - which I was going to do anyway... they also decided I should see the company's own specialists to determine if and when I shall be fit to return to work and whether I will need any special care - like taxis to and from work (hmmm...) They also told me that technically, I am sick ie if my doctor has signed me off sick - I shouldn't be working from home.. so if I don't feel up to it...

That's probably why I have downed tools. My appointment with the private consultant is on Tuesday... if he can't find out what the cause was... and I return to work as expected on the 17th April - well my days at home are numbered... might as well enjoy what little time I have left. The only person looking out for me is me... so lemme do some looking out.

As much as I don't want to lose my job... I have no desire to sacrifice my well-being for my job. I'm as stressed right now as if I had been in the office all week... and I guess I have.. I have the same workload even though I work reduced hours, I am expected to meet the same deadlines even though I am in drugged out haze for the entire afternoon (and therefore pretty ineffective at anything other than Solitaire). I get no slack cut for me... so I'm taking out my own cutlass and carving me a fat slice of ME time.

The NHS sucks... if you get sick - go private asap! Don't wait for them to send you to Mr Incompetent.

If you die, the company will replace you within 4-8 weeks. Your family however, will never be the same: to them you are irreplacable.

On that note - I'm off to lay my head down.. the drugs are starting to kick in. (Apologies to all for the disjointedness of this post)