The Battle With Goliath

It has not been an easy road - this journey I've had to travel.
I'm not talking about the general journey of life that each of us takes, I'm talking about a particular leg of my journey... one that started just over a year ago and brought me face to face with my Goliath.

This was a journey I had to travel on my own, a journey which - despite the encouragement of others - was rather unpleasant for the entirety of its duration - and downright NASTY for sustained periods along the way... but here I am: still standing, on the other side. Having crossed over I am ready to move on.

Man!.... what a battle it was.

I'm standing yes, but only just. This battle threatened to destroy me, to break me, to strip me of everything I am and all that I believed in. I sustained heavy injury, I'm still licking my bruises and wrapping broken ribs as I type... make no mistake about it - I am wounded and scarred... but I won... and that makes every bruise, every torn piece of flesh and every broken bone worth it.

Why is it that often the most painful experiences teach the most valuable lessons? Why is it that often monumental breakthroughs can only be achieved after significant bloodshed or personal sacrifice?

Just over 6 months ago I was writhing in agony, screaming out to noone in particular, wondering whether anyone would hear my cries for help... love and advice poured in from all sides, those close to me, those further away, support and solace came from the most unlikely sources - and I was grateful for every drop of it, used it to replenish my strength, to replace the substance of my spirit that seemed to be ebbing away with alarming speed.

I spoke at the time, of a wall, of being at the end of a road; of reaching a point where one must stop or turn back or just do something else for crying out loud! Or take more licks and lose one's sanity...

Some advised I run, some suggested alternative routes, some said 'give up', others said ' stand and fight', still others simply said 'stand'.

I'd fought as much as I could, there was no fight left in me, how much punch can you pack when every bone in your fist is shattered eh?

So I stood, and after more blows, I knelt... and after still more blows, I crouched... until eventually all I could do is be still. I could not push forward nor could I run away. I was where I was - for better or for worse. Beaten to a pulp, dying inside, hurting, bleeding, too weak to even cry anymore... I just 'was' - I could 'do' no more.

And then... about a month ago, something amazing happened. The wall I'd been battered against shattered. Without warning. It just did.

Things I couldn't speak about, injustices, unfairness, underhandedness - all came to light, exposed as the foul lying beast it was. And heads rolled, and things changed and what was meant to be the death of me - turned out to be the liberation of me... now I am free.


Goliath was felled in the end without me having to throw stones or sling mud the way his cohorts were doing. My Goliath couldn't hide behind that wall and throw bombs at me any longer - he was exposed for everyone to see... and others joined my fight, crying out at injustice... so that when I was on my last legs and ready to exhale one final time... my deliverance came... I am free.

What a feeling! I look forward to the day when my wings are fully mended and I can fly again, to the day when I can walk without limping and laugh without wincing.

Freedom - it's like taking a deep breath of fresh air after being in a stagnant cave for too long... or feeling sunlight on your face after being trapped in a dark hole...

my Goliath has fallen... I am free.

Dream Away

At any given point in our lives, we usually have one dream or another... something under-girding us, a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel calling us onward and upward; reminding us not to quit, to keep pushing because that dream.. man.. if it were realised, it would make us so incredibly happy, so satisfied...

Throughout our lives then, we make choices and decisions that we believe will further us along the road towards the realisation of our dream(s).

We accept the job at the big conglomerate instead of the corner book store even though it will work us 10 times as hard for the equivalent level of job satisfaction (or indeed LESS) and the commuting costs us more time, money and plain old hassle than the 5 min stroll from the front door... all because we convince ourselves that the conglomerate renumeration or personal dev't policy (or whatever) will help us achieve our personal goals, and boy are we willing to sacrifice/take it on the chin so we can fulfill our dream(s).

Fathers are constantly criticised for missing out on junior's childhood, by working all the hours God sends in order to bring home the proverbial bacon so that they can fund Junior's football kit/piano lessons/swimming lessons/tennis lessons/what-have-you... and let's not forget junior's college fund.

Working Mothers get the stick for - simply put- 'working'. "Woman, you're missing out on junior's childhood, you should stay home and watch teletubbies with him, cos he will be permanently disadvantaged when compared to the other kids whose mummy's can not only drop them off at 8:45am but can be there waiting at the school gates in the SUV at 3:30 pm....(never mind poor daddy slaving away to pay for the SUV!!)...

Why's mummy working?

1. To pay the bills (single parent/family where single incomes just won't cut it).
2. To make a difference (maybe mummy is a nurse/teacher/charity worker/doctor).
3. So her brain doesn't turn to mush. Mummy went to college/uni/post grad school and doesnt see the point of watching teletubbies and tweenies all day when she could be building a global empire (lol)
4. All of the above/none of the above.

Obviously I am generalising big time here - but the point is, people with/without kids make sacrifices for their dreams.I know a bloke who took a job as a reviled 'head hunter' for at least a year, so he could gain exposure to a particular industry (through interviewing job candidates). After being laughed at, kicked and spat on... he became a junior on a trading floor... and from all accounts is therefore having the last laugh!

In pursuit of dreams we are prepared to work our way up from the bottom, and put up with a lotta ish... so what if your manager keeps taking credit for the reports you slaved 16 hour days away on; so what if you keep getting passed over for promotion because you're too ethnic/too white/ too aggressive (ASSERTIVE)/too passive/too female/too male/too tall/too short yada yada - one day you will show them all!

• Your private business will suddenly take off and you'll get bought out for millions!
• Your report will catch the eye of a major network and they hire you as anchorman/woman/talk show host.
• Your screen play will pass Quentin Tarantino/Guy Ritchie/Steven Spielberg/M Night Shamalayan/whoever and become the next blockbuster...
• Your demo gets heard by Jay-z and you change your name from Robin Fenty to Rihanna...
• and the guy from sales will finally realise that YOU are the love of his life not the fake chick from marketing!

We all dream... we put up with the crap, cos we've heard the success stories, and we know one day it'll be OUR turn...

"oh, I feel it coming"... "I have a dream", we give ourselves that pep talk several times a week... maybe even several times a day:
"I'm better than this",
"This is a means to an end..."

but...what if...what if it isn't?

What if the 'means' becomes the 'end'?

What if dreams don't come true?

What if 5... 10 ... 15... 20... even 25 years down the line... you're still dreaming... still getting passed over for promotion, still single (if your dream was to find that partner), still hustling, waiting for that big break... And then the conglomerate makes you redundant, and your skills are so specialised that every position you apply for turns you down because you are 'over qualified'.

And what if the network says you can't even do your own reports anymore because you look too 'dated', oh sure you can still write them but the new kid fresh from uni is the one who goes on camera...

When should we decide to pack in the pipe dream? When should we draw a line in the sand and fold those paper dreams away?

What if the whole 'follow your dreams' spiel is an opiate designed to help us take the ish? Cos if we're taking the ish, we're not rocking the boat, and if we're not rocking the boat then mr boss man sure is getting a good return out of us. We'll tow the party line and not complain (too much) cos we dont wanna lose the job that is the means to the end that is the realisation of our dreams!

And why is it that following our dreams and paying bills always seem to be in conflict?

Why should some of us be forced to choose? I mean, how are you gonna choose between two dreams you want equally? Perhaps they are part of a single end result ie goal, but you are being pressured to choose one or the other, or to prioritise them in terms of 'try achieving one, then the other'. What if you just want them both TOGETHER? lol!

Back to using mummies & daddies (generalisations again). Why should daddy have to choose between being 'ideal dad & husband' and being branded as 'daddy who cares about work/money more than his family' or 'daddy who is never home/always away on business'?

And mumsie - she can be 'super mum, always there for everybody, always keeping it together, house clean, kids clean, nose clean, always putting others first' or she can be 'frowned upon working mum who is always tired cos she works 10 hours in office, then starts the domestic shift by picking up junior and lil mo from the *shock! horror!* childminder *gasp*; still has to make sure everyone gets dinner, and lil Mo gets help with the homework before she can even begin to think about time for 'daddy' let alone herself!" Phew!

Are you one of these people with a 1st class degree, temping or working for an incompetent buffon while waiting for SOMEONE to recognise your talent!If our dreams are so inextricably linked to our happiness - shouldn't we simply do what makes us happy instead of deferring those dreams for 'someday'?

Are you one of those people who still wakes up in the morning singing"Dream On Dream Away. I feel today could be THE day!"

Or have you reached the point where you have folded the paper dream away?